Day 20

Even thirty two years later, there are still times when I want to be normal. Sometimes I really miss having two legs.

I want to run. I want to skip down a long flight of stairs like I did as a child. I want to be able to wear high heels with a black sexy dress just once in my life. I want to ride a bike. I want to do yoga free from any damn adaptations.

But all that will never happen. I know that. And I still have days when the feeling comes up again, “I wish…..” and I have to let it go.

There’s a sweetness in longing, in wishing for something, when you know it’s possible. When it’s not, longing is a dangerous slope. I know there’s more to life than running and a sexy little black dress. A lot more. And I’ve always wanted to suck all that I can from life and have it drip down my chin all sticky and sweet. That’s what I really long for.

I’ve adapted over the years and created my own normal. My normal is a hop skip instead of running; climbing stairs two at a time; sitting on the floor with my prosthetic leg sticking out straight (usually getting in the way of the other people with whom I’m on the floor) and a myriad of other ways I’ve accommodated this body. Even my limp is normal for me. So normal, in fact, that when I see videos of myself, I wonder who the heck is the one limping. I don’t feel myself limp so when I see my limp, I’m taken aback.

And now I’m making walking normal again. Today I took two walks! No blisters, no sores, just two lovely walks; one with my husband and one with my daughter. Taking these short walks is not in any way a physical challenge for them, but for me, it’s not only a challenge, it’s a victory! A sweet sticky one.

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