Day 8

I’m conflicted.

I added four blocks to my walk today AND I did the entire walk without stopping.
This makes me think that the pain issue has been because of my lack of motivation, my lack of walking. Which means that I have more influence over my walking than I thought I did. I’ve been telling myself I can’t walk because it hurts. And now I am discovering that it hurts because I haven’t been walking. This is a bitter pill to swallow. Before I can get too excited about the fact that I have more control over this situation that I previously thought, I have to be accountable for how I got here in the first place. I want to just skip over this part, but I’m going to do things differently this time. I’ll let this sit with me and allow myself to accept the part I’m accountable for – without reasons, explanations or excuses. Cuz there’s plenty of those. The bottom line is, I didn’t give my body the priority it needed to thrive.

After I lost my leg I immediately went into survivor mode. In my twenties I needed to explore my body and, in the process of trying different activities, I found myself thriving. But when I got pregnant, everything came crashing down on me. Being physical was simply too hard. In fact, being pregnant was the first time I ever felt disabled. Regarding my leg, I’ve been surviving the past 14 years. It’s time to thrive again. Which means, like it did in my twenties, that I need to move beyond my disability as a way to define myself and remember that I am bigger than my disability.

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